Parenthood, All Your Dream Jobs In One!

Posted on by finesseh

parenting

I originally wrote this back in 2009, after the birth of my first child. As I heard people gripe and gush (one, the other, or both) about being a parent and the responsibilities that came with it, I thought, “It’s like we’re doing a million jobs at once”. Tada! This post was born (no pun intended). Looking back at it, I find it hilarious and still very true. It was a bit outdated in terms of some of the references but I’ve tweaked it to fit the times. I hope you enjoy it!

1) Pediatrician- Milicon for gas…Tylenol for fever…

2) Biochemist- Exploring the many compositions and mysteries associated with your child’s bodily fluids. “What color is that…what did he/she eat? I need to examine this…”

3) Fashion Designer- Come on, I mean who rocks the tired and worn look like a parent? Stained, wrinkled clothing, bags under your eyes instead of on your arms. Who do you think inspired Kanye West’s clothing line? Yep, new parents. With all that going on you still look like you’re ready to take on the day and anyone who gets in your way. Let’s not forget your children- “Okay, red bib…now your shoes…ummm…does this onesie still fit? Children’s Place or Old Navy?”

4) Bartender- No one can make and shake a bottle at 3am like a parent. You’re literally popping bottles!

5) Chef- Your sandwich making skills are truly the best bar none. You’d give Gordon Ramsey a run for his money.

6) Hairdresser- It takes skill to overcome the mess of a head that you “wake up” with! A little pull here, a tug there, brush, spray, comb, repeat, repeat again, okay it’s not cooperating…crap, forget it! New style, yeah, it’s a new style. Just go with it..really, go before you change your mind. You don’t have all day!

7) Comedian- Humor comes naturally when your audience is children that find everything funny.

8) Choreographer/Dancer- You know that silly little dance you do for/with your kid? Yep, you’re a natural…now, just don’t get carried away. The next thing you know you’ll have an unexpected audience because you’ll forget you’re in the middle of a store.

9) Singer- Your rendition of itsy bitsy spider could possibly get you a spot on American Idol…you know when they show the first episodes? The audition tapes, yeah, you have the potential to embarrass yourself in front of the world, but at least your kid doesn’t know what bad sounds like yet.

10) Engineer- Anyone who can figure out all the toys, gizmos, and gadgets that kids have now in days deserve this title. Even diapers can be complicated for the inexperienced.

11) Actress- You have the best character impressions. You do a heart-wrenching performance of Caillou (why is that kid so depressed?). Your Dora The Explorer is absolutely riveting! You definitely deserve an Oscar…or would it be an Elmo?

12) Celebrity- Any time you enter the room your kids freak out like a groupie at a Beyonce or Beiber concert. Put on your shades, call off the paparazzi, you are a true star in your children’s eyes…minus the money, the bodyguards, the extremely lavish lifestyle…but I digress.

All jokes aside, parenting really is a career all its own. No one else works harder and gets greater rewards. Enjoy every moment, even when they’re screaming their head off for some totally unwarranted reason. The truth is that when they become independent, you will miss every bit. Life is short, and so is childhood.

Also, appreciate your parents more. At some point, they had it rough too (you were no angel, ask your parents). Now in days so many people are neglecting their children for all of the wrong reasons. The pursuit of happiness does not have to be solely about monetary gains. It can and should come with being there for your children and raising them to be productive people. They are the legacy that you’ll leave behind. Keep up the good work, your children will thank you someday.

❤ Finesse,

Mommy of 2 Precious Gifts

Rhyme and Reasoning

Posted on by finesseh

I’m going to pretend that I’m saying what’s on my mind. An imaginary rant, if you will. Not because I’m a coward, I’m not seeking attention, but because sometimes you feel like shouting your thoughts to the world while no one is listening.

Sometimes you want to free your mind without giving away your thoughts. Giving them to people that will only bend and shape them to meet their quality of standards, and bootleg it back out to the world. A mixtape of your true intentions that you never gave copyrights to. Then everyone thinks they know your song without ever catching the lyrics because they’ve been overshadowed by the loud, obnoxious beats that were added on top of your rhymes.

Since the world is on online, I can shout loudy…without even the smallest of ripples creating a whirlwind of issues around me. If you can hear my silent song right now, maybe we’re on the same wavelength. Stay tuned…

-Finesse

A Piece at a Time

Posted on by finesseh

The-Missing-Piece-In-The-Puzzle

Photo Credit: Google Images

 

I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery, or I guess re-discovery since I’ve been trying to get parts of myself back that I let go some time ago. I had come to realize recently that it’s okay to change and progress in more ways than one, but that doesn’t have to mean losing who I am to myself. I’ve spent most of my adulthood trying to be who and what others want me to be and it’s been nothing less than stressful and disappointing. And quite honestly, it’s not fun at all…so…like…what’s the point? I mean, who wants to do what’s tough, stressful, non-beneficial, and not fun? Adulthood bites as it is, it needs all the fun it can get! Am I right? While I love making those around me happy, I realized that I had become a people-pleaser to a fault. It was in all the wrong ways and for all the wrong reasons.

It wasn’t until the last few days where I got an old, seemingly unimportant part of myself back- my humor. Don’t get me wrong, I can crack some jokes here and there, but I had lost the ability to just-laugh and be laughed at. I knew that I had used laughter to get through tough times as a kid and I guess it’s possible that over time, I felt that going back to that would be like going back to a hiding place of mine. I hid my trials and pain by making people laugh. While back then it was a coping mechanism, I had forgotten how good it made me feel. Making others smile and laugh authentically via my experiences made me happy too. It made me happy in a good, productive way. I wasn’t looking for laughs by trying to create some kind of jester act with made up fables and props, I was just sharing the funny things that I had witnessed, as I witnessed them, without thinking too hard about how people were going to receive it when I shared it. I didn’t think so much about what I was going to share, as much as how I wanted to share it all.

Recently a really funny thing happened while out, I won’t go into details but I will say, who ever thought that farts would still be such a funny topic as an adult? Any who, I decided to share because it was just too funny not to. I spent so much time rethinking my decision. You see, I shared it as a Facebook post. I read it back and was mortified and plagued with “what if’s”. “What if someone thinks I made it all up?”, “What if someone thinks I’m trying to be mean?”, “What if this sounds really stupid?”. Just as I was going to remove the post a close friend of mine encouraged me to keep it up. Guess what? It made people laugh. There were a few responses to the post itself, but more so, a lot of messages about it how made people’s days and “thanks for the laughs”. I thought about how crappy people’s days can be and how a simple good laugh can take away so much negativity. That made me feel good.

Something sparked inside of me that said, “Helloooooooooooo, you used to do this all the time! You were fun. What the heck happened?”. I was like, “yeah, what happened?!”, and then I realized it wasn’t healthy to talk to yourself aloud so I stopped. We won’t get all into that though :/ Focus people! Point is, at the end of it all I remembered that part of me was this goofy, funny chick that didn’t care what people thought about me. I had the most fun, carefree days of my life literally not caring who thought what of me. That may have been 10 years ago but who’s to say that can’t work now that I’m 30-ish…2…6…? Whatever, I’m 30. There, I said it. I mean, people still act as childish now in their 4o’s as they did back in their 20’s without a second thought. Just look at the Real Housewives of ATL. Why can’t I go back in time a bit to pull a good piece of me?

I’ve decided that starting now I will work to take the best parts of the old me and merge them into the best parts of the “adult” me and voila- that should make for a pretty awesome person **flips hair**. No but seriously. Sometimes it takes finding a small piece of who you were to help you better determine who you are now and who you will be. Is moving forward all about me being some kind of class clown? No. What it IS about is me remembering who I was and what made me happy at a time where my well-being and happiness means the most. That’s a pretty sweet start.

For now I have an awesome family, healthy and happy children, so many blessings that I can’t even count. Now, I just have to get the real me back. The, “You can kiss my booty if you don’t like me because I’m not going anywhere me”, back. I can do this, I WILL do this. I’m grateful to have those of you following along on the journey. Maybe, just maybe, I can help someone find a missing piece of themselves too. 

❤ Finesse

A Light Shines Through

Posted on by finesseh

Yesterday I wrote about how lost I’ve been feeling. I’ve been sad and angry all at once. In a short amount of time I’ve been hurt by people who claim to care for me, have allowed people to make me feel like less of a person because of my faith and morals, have had people turn aspects of my life upset down for their own gain with no regard to my family, have been forced to question my value and worth in many areas of my life…these are just a few of the things that I felt that I had to “deal with”. Funny how that last thing worked, how I would question the value of myself in MY life. People can allow you to do that to yourself when you’re weak enough. The amount of pain that I’ve been feeling as a result of all my trials has been nearly indescribable. What’s probably been the hardest thing about it was having to bottle it all in.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately between being physically ill (mix of chest infection and post PE “blah”, as I call it) and stressed. The benefit to that is that I’ve already been awake for morning prayer. Prayer was different for me this morning. I cried during prayer and it felt like such a release. I felt like Allah literally took my pain from me in that moment. I felt, for the first time in weeks, like I could just breathe.

I don’t know what was so different about today but I’m grateful. I’m grateful everday but today I’m especially grateful. I went to bed last night almost hoping that I didn’t see another day because I didn’t know what use I had in this life, for my family, for my Creator. How can one expect to be gifted with another day, another chance when all they can see beyond the many blessings is darkness and hopelessness?

I guess the best answer that I have is that no one can expect it. That’s why it’s a gift. That’s why it’s not guaranteed and why we are not the ones who determine when we are done. Allah is merciful and knows what He has planned for us, we just have to trust that and take it one day at a time. I have to stop trying to focus so far into the future when I have yet to figure out the now. That’s what I have to do. I have to stop allowing people and circumstances to determine my worth, my value, my purpose. Allah did that when He created me and he created what he saw fit. If that was good enough for the Most High, why can’t it be good enough for me or anyone else? Finally I see a light through my darkness.

 

Feeling my way through the darkness…

Posted on by finesseh

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I’ve started with the visual above because it so perfectly sums up how I feel right now. I haven’t written in a while and was planning on writing today, not knowing what I was going to say or how I was going to turn my feelings into words. I happened upon this as I was scrolling through my FB newsfeed. Overall I want to try to steer clear of being a debbie-downer. However, there will be times like now when I just need to release SOMETHING that’s not going to be perceived as great in the emotions department.

I’m blessed to have experienced my 30th year earlier this month. But I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that it’s been a disappointing week, month, year. **sigh** There’s been a lot of pain, illness, sadness, let-downs…just a lot of things that allowed me to fall into a state of depression that I haven’t felt or seen in years. I hadn’t been coping well but in turn that put me in a position where I had to learn to do so if I didn’t want to tumble further into depression. I have children, a job, and responsibilities to maintain so there’s no room for that. I had learned to turn my loneliness into prayer, constant awareness and remembrance for Allah (Arabic for God for those who are unaware). I felt like I was doing well up until a week or so ago.

In the aftermath of the Paris attacks I received a threat based on my being Muslim and though I’ve experienced people’s ignorance before, this was on another level. I truly felt threatened and didn’t want to put myself or my children in harm’s way. I took time off work to avoid the long travel to and from work alone because I deemed that to be safer at the time. On the outside I was cool and calm and “not worried” but on the inside I was. I don’t fear anyone other than Allah but there’s still something very unsettling about the idea of a complete stranger wanting to hurt you when they don’t even know you. As I watch and read news stories I see families, women, and children being attacked and it literally has made me sick to my stomach. I’m disheartened by the chaos that is becoming “society” and the thought of my children growing up in this messed up world.

Time has passed but I feel as if this experience on top of the other things that I’m battling currently have pushed me backwards in my efforts. I know I’m not alone but that doesn’t stop me from feeling lonely. I know that I’m strong enough to handle what comes my way but I can’t help but feel weak. I know that I’m not who people want to think or say that I am but I can’t help but see their judgments in my reflection. I know that the relationships that have been given clarity are meant to help me grow, but I can’t help but wonder why I have to care so deeply without equal reciprocity. I want to believe that I am the incredible woman that I want to be but I can’t help but feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and am just praying that Allah takes some of it from me sooner than later. Tomorrow, InshaAllah (God willing) will be better but today, right now…I’m just trying to feel my way through (and hopefully out of) the dark.

Sorry for the gloominess but sometimes you have to be real and put it out there. Like the pic says, “Only those who have known darkness can truly appreciate the light”- my light is near, I just have to keep my eyes open to see it.

❤ Finesse

Why I Choose to Be Alone

Posted on by finesseh

I’m not sure if it’s the seasons changing and altering moods or just the downward spiral that has become society, but it seems that everyone is struggling to deal lately. I’ve never been ashamed to admit my own struggles and I feel that it has been a part of my healing process lately. For others it’s not so simple. Many of us play too much into the “Be strong, stay positive” mantra to the point of self-sabotage. Most times we are strong and positive to the point where we are not coping with our issues. Instead we are merely sweeping them under the rug for what we think is “everyone’s best interest”. This can cause some people to disconnect from those around them or vice versa, in one way or another. They may even begin to disconnect from themselves. The next thing we know, loneliness begins to set in. I reached that point and decided that something had to change:

done

For the past year or so, I’ve been as depressed as I had ever been in my life. That says a lot considering that I’ve dealt with depression in the past as a result of some pretty tragic experiences. I guess I just didn’t know how to deal anymore. I was faking being okay everyday, then I just got tired of faking because it was taking too much energy. Being around seemingly well meaning people just didn’t help, they didn’t get it. It just became easier to stay to myself than try to explain to people who either didn’t care or didn’t understand. In that time alone I realized that one of my biggest issues was the unrealistic need to please everyone around me. What’s that they say, “you give an inch, people take a mile”? While not everyone, in theory a lot of people started to look like ravenous animals to me, just feeding off of everything that I was trying to give, never satisfied and leaving little energy left for me. I felt like I was being pulled and stretched a million ways with everyone telling me what was best for “me” based on their own expectations and needs. As a result I started neglecting myself and my priorities. When you wear several hats you think that you don’t have time to be down and you end up neglecting yourself further. Whelp, I had successfully neglected myself into a mental and physical oblivion. I was now lonely and I was tired.

tired

I came to find myself in a place where I felt that I wanted- correction, NEEDED to create change for the better because I was no longer coping with…life. Ironic that when feeling lonely, being alone was my way of focusing on me and my needs without distraction. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not totally non-social. However, I’ve removed myself from situations and people that did not bring out the best in me or have my best intentions at heart. After re-focusing on my faith and myself it hit me, I’m never “lonely”. I’ll explain but first let’s look at the definition of lonely via Merriam Webster:

Definition of LONELY

1

a :  being without company :  lone

b :  cut off from others :  solitary

2
:  not frequented by human beings :  desolate
3
:  sad from being alone :  lonesome
4
:  producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation
Now with that let’s go back to the idea of being lonely. It truly is just an idea. If you are someone of faith, you are never lonely. It’s impossible because your faith will remind you that you have your Creator with you at all times. I realized that my feelings of being lonely were just a way for Allah to remind me that I had become too attached to the things in this life, and had moved further away from Him in doing so. Strengthening that bond was a bit of relief in a long line of hurt. I still have a long way to go but it’s a start.
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Another thing I realized is that it’s okay to be alone. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely means that I believe that there is no one with me on my journey in life. That’s not true. The Most Powerful, the Most High is with me at all times should I choose to accept that. In deciding to be alone I am simply choosing myself over others (within reason) and trusting that I can do what is best for me. Whatever I cannot accomplish myself, Allah in all His mercy will make a way. I will choose me and stop looking to appease others. I’m done being the stepping stone.
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On a final note, understand that I use words like choose, and decide intentionally. That’s how we have to be if we are to progress on any level. We have to be intentional in the things that we think, which will lead to intentional actions, and results. We have to decide to do better for ourselves whatever that may be. People won’t always understand, agree, or support. But if we know wholehearted that what we are doing will bring us to a better place without compromising our values or faith, then it’s worth being alone to do it. It will simply leave room for those who support the better you. So in the end we have to decide:
Are we going to let the things in this world take us down and keep us there? Or are we going to instead learn the lesson needed while down so that we can use it to get back up and stand taller and stronger than before? I know that from now on I will choose to be alone. No one knows me better than myself and the one who created me. Equally no one can determine my success or failure, except for me and the one who created me. The same goes for you. Remember…
lonely

My Very First Liebster Award!

Posted on by finesseh

Okay, I’m totally behind on my blogging, and as such I am just getting around to recognizing the fact that I was nominated last month for a Liebster Award by the very sweet and awesome Lady CAS, aka Chris, of Myasthenia Gravis. So first and foremost a very big thank you to her! I apologize for the late response, I’ve been pushing through to make more time for me and time for my blogging. It took some effort but I finally buckled down and made time 🙂

Lady CAS is a dear friend and influential blogger that writes about her experience with myasthenia gravis since it’s diagnosis back in 2013. Her posts are sincere, funny, touching, and thought-provoking. I’ve personally known her for some time but I had no idea that we both shared a love for sharing and enlightening through blogging. Since following I’ve learned so much about myasthenia gravis and about her. She’s been a continued inspiration to me and obviously as you read her posts, she’s touched many other as well. If you’re not already following her then get on it! Like now…really, click on the link to her blog above and make sure to go ahead and subscribe. Okay? Good, thanks!

I started this blog as a way to express myself after years of neglecting my passion for writing. A lot of people would think that keeping a journal would be the resolve and it was some time ago. However, I found that blogging is a way for me to express myself and share my experiences with people from all walks of life. It’s allowed me to be open without fear about my struggles and triumphs, and just life in general. I have dealt with some very deep depression in the past two years, even more after nearly losing my life behind a pulmonary embolism that came out of nowhere. It has played a big part, aside from my Creator, in my healing process. It hasn’t always been easy to confide in others because I’m never guaranteed to get an ear without judgement or criticism or a nonchalant “You’ll be fine”, and the dreaded, “It can’t be that bad”. Don’t get me wrong, nothing is wrong with constructive criticism, but I find it to be rare these days because it seems that criticism is now only given for the benefit of the person giving it. What blogging does for me, is it allows me to connect with like-minded people who can relate to some degree or another while enlightening me through new people and perspectives.

Liebster-Award-Discover-New-Blogs

Ta daaa!!!! Let me just pull out my acceptance speech (pulls out a huge list that falls to the floor)…

…Kidding. So, blogging, really blogging- is still quite new to me, as is the WordPress experience. With that being the case, unfortunately I haven’t started browsing other blogs to follow just yet. One of the rules of the award is to nominate 5-10 other bloggers. Since I am not familiar with other bloggers just yet, I would like my followers to suggest people for me to follow and nominate. Preferably people with less than 200 followers that haven’t already received the award. Later I’ll update my post with my nominees. Once nominated they will follow the following rules:

Rules

  • Once you are nominated, make a post thanking and linking the person who nominated you.
  • Include the Liebster Award sticker in the post too.
  • Nominate 5 -10 other bloggers who you feel are worthy of this award. Let them know they have been nominated by commenting on one of their posts. You can also nominate the person who nominated you.
  • Ensure all of these bloggers have less than 200 followers.
  • Lastly, COPY these rules in the post.

So once again a big thank you to Lady CAS for Myasthenia Gravis for the nomination. I look forward to meeting new people and exploring new ideas through this journey. I appreciate having you all along for the ride ❤

When it rains…

Posted on by finesseh

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My area had been hit with several days of what seemed like non-stop rain. I am first of all grateful and blessed to be safe, as some were not as fortunate so I will ask you to keep those families in your thoughts.

To start, I remember when studying film and literature, it was always said that a force of nature occurring was often the climax of the story. It could be a hurricane, tornado, or simply rain. When it occurred, that was the time in the story that things would shift in the plot either for better or worse. I’ve come to believe that in the story of my life, that I may be reaching the climax, but I’ll get to that…

The past year or so has been difficult with everything from personal to physical difficulties. I’ve been through some tough things in my life. As a young adult I often wondered how I dealt with it, how I was able to act “normal” around friends and family when deep down inside there was so much mystery, anger, and sadness that I was dealing with. I took solace in writing, acting, and drawing but it was never quite enough. How had I survived trying to hurt myself so many times as a teenager, and why? What did I have to live for? I think that’s when I really confirmed my faith in a higher power. I knew that there had to be a force bigger than me that meant for me to be here. I guess you could say that I not only gained true faith at that point, but also a sense of purpose.

Fast forward over a decade to a husband, two children, and a butt-load of responsibilities later and I was a wreck. I guess I can say I was a wreck up until today. Trust me, I’m still not the best version of myself but I’m better than I was yesterday. For whatever reason all the bad things and memories of the past came at me all at once, within the last year and a half. I was no longer able to “cope” or hide from my struggles, which is what I was essentially doing. I had so many things to be thankful for. Even though my life was nowhere near perfect- I was glad that I was far from where I had been. I had a good work/life balance going, I was homeschooling my son and daughter, I was becoming more active, I was even finally losing the weight I had been wanting to get rid of. Then during a trip to Walgreens I fainted in the middle of an isle, and again as I made my way to my car in the parking lot. Hours later I was in an ambulance being transported to ICU for major blood clots in my lungs. That pulmonary embolism changed my life. I already felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders (despite my feeling of conquering it to some degree), but now I had to deal with this? Recovery is a monster but I’ll get into that at another time. It turned out to be the icing on top that brought everything down.

I fell into deep depression. I’ve had bouts of depression before but nothing like what I had been feeling lately. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to be left alone all the time by everyone. I couldn’t live that way though. I had responsibilities, kids, a husband, a job, a business- all things that forced me to do exactly the opposite. Nothing seemed to help, and when I did try to open up to well meaning people, it at times ended with me wishing I would have kept my feelings to myself. It’s no fault of anyone’s own if they didn’t understand what I was seeking, which was really just an ear. People often think that someone in my shoes needs to hear “you’ll be alright” and that’s actually one of the last things that is deemed helpful. I had times where I could fake normal well enough. However I knew that I was no longer doing a good job when coworkers and others constantly told me how sick or tired I looked. Little did they know it was both. It had gotten so bad that I had spent the last two months with sleepless nights. I either couldn’t sleep or if I did happen to, I would awaken by 2 am and stare at the ceiling for the next 4 hours. It was literally draining.

Here’s where the rain comes in. It rained again today. I stared out the window for who knows how long, lost in my thoughts about what happened to me. I knew I still had faith, but I had somehow lost my feeling of a purpose. I thought about how I just told a cousin of mine yesterday that I hate seeing myself in pictures now because I can’t even see a real smile anymore. It’s all fake. Nearly every single ounce of happiness and content that I have shown in the past year have been forced because I didn’t feel it inside of me. Not because I’m ungrateful for the life that I have, but because I realized that I wasn’t REALLY living it. I was living it for others and for the sake of image, but not for me. Once those that you were living or putting on a show for don’t need you anymore you’re simply left with an empty shell and no direction. That was me. I thought about all the rain we had been getting and while on the verge of uttering a complaint about the “crappy weather” I stopped to remind myself that Allah (God) only gives us what we need. We’ve needed this rain to wash away whatever requires life and renewal. We’ve also needed it to remind us that there is still sun behind the clouds and once the rain is gone, everything that the rain touched will grow stronger and with renewed purpose. I finally thought about and remembered why rain was always such a good metaphor for books and films and thought…this is my climax.

So, I’ve made the decision to truly focus on me. Funny because it was a decision I had tried to make a million times before. This time I will be committed to trying to do the little things that will make me happy, even if others don’t agree with my decisions, even if it doesn’t make any sense. If it brings a smile to my face or serene thought to my mind I will do it (within reason). I am refocusing my energy on my faith, my family, my mental clarity, and hobbies. I will distance myself from the things that were causing me stress or anxiety. My life, my health, is of more value than another person’s impression of me. When I think of why I could no longer see a real smile in my photos, I knew it was because I was only reflecting what I had allowed people to reflect upon me. No more. With rain comes new beginnings, it’s time for me to claim mine.

Embrace your therapy…

Posted on by finesseh

Back in middle and high school I was pretty multi-faceted. I had a deep love for the arts and I participated in most of the school clubs and activities. This didn’t include sports. I played here and there but I was not so, how do you say, physically coordinated? More than anything I loved poetry, acting, drawing, and writing. I told myself that I would always hold on to those skills because at the time, they truly were talents. I don’t mean self-proclaimed talents either, people actually complimented me on my work. While I was surprised to find out that people saw that in me, I had to admit that it felt good.

Fast forward some…a few…years later and I’m now a Mom and wife with responsibilities, goals, and duties. I applaud so many women that I know because they do this and still seem to hold it all together at the end of the day. Me, not so much. I don’t at all blame it on my role because at one point in time I was on fire. On the move, look out world, Finesse was on top of it, I was freakin’ Superwoman! This past year however, has been challenging as I had a life-threatening health issue that occurred. I will go into more detail about that experience at another time. I mention it now because it’s that occurrence that seemed to have sucked the life out of me. I haven’t had any energy, no drive, no interest in much of anything, I’m always wanting to be alone, and it’s all lead to a strong bout of depression. I’m not ashamed to mention it, though I once used to be. As a black woman, and I think as a woman in general, stating that you are depressed seems to be taboo. One thing that I learned is that people with depression are not weak, crazy, or “attention-seekers”. We are not “woe is me people” (am I the only one that wants to smack someone when they say that?). People with depression are people that have been too strong for too long, not allowing themselves to properly cope until they just break. I broke.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and I knew that something had to change. Not only was I at the point where I was depressed, but I was also plagued with anxiety attacks. While the attacks were initially a byproduct of my health issue, I know that my depression made it worse. I felt an indescribable void and while I knew that praying and putting my faith in my creator was the answer, even my faith was struggling to a degree. It took me really digging deep and continuing to pray, strengthening my relationship with Allah (God), and blocking out the noise of the world to learn what I needed to do. I needed therapy.

We’re not talking professional therapy, not to say that wouldn’t work, as it does for many. For me it meant getting back to me and all the things that made me happy. All the things, those gifts given to me, that got me through my toughest times in life. Poetry allowed me to speak my heart in an eloquent way, acting allowed me to get outside of myself and dare to be something different without changing who I was, drawing let me visualize my dreams on paper, and writing let me get it all out in a way that I could never verbalize to a person. I realize now that these were gifts afforded to me, to help me deal with the struggles that Allah knew I would be dealt. I was reminded through prayer that yes, I am a Muslimah, Wife, and Mom- but I’m still Finesse too. Finesse doesn’t have to fade just because I have things to do. Finesse will still encounter tough times, and in those times I will use my gifts as my therapy.

Terrible things are happening in the world today because people are hurt, angry, confused. People no longer know how to express themselves in safe and meaningful way. I urge you as you read this to find your outlet. Whether it be a talent or not just find what makes you feel good (within reason) and go with it. Embrace it as your therapy and pair it with a deep rooted faith and you’ll be surprised just how much weight you’ll feel come off your shoulders. I know that this won’t make my depression or the world’s problems magically disappear. I do know that it’s a step in the right direction and I say that’s a pretty good start. What’s your therapy?

Hello WordPress!

Posted on by finesseh

This is my very first post here on WordPress. I’ve been blogging for a while through another site and decided to switch things up a bit. I have to say that I’m happy to be getting back into blogging. Hopefully I can remain productive with it so hang in here with me! As far as what you can expect from my blog, just know it will be a bit of everything. I will talk about life in general and more specifically at times I will speak about my own experiences. Sometimes things will be funny, sometimes they may hit a soft spot, most times it may make absolutely no sense. In any case, I’m going to be an open book and write as it comes so I welcome you and hope you enjoy.